"Over it"

So, I know this blog is mainly to show off the star of our family, Jeremiah. But, I've decided to put this out there, too. I thought I was over this, dealt with it, moved on, etc. Apparently not.

I had a miscarriage last August. I was about 6.5 weeks along, and it happened during my first week of school (pretty much the worst week of my life). It was hard then. It was hard to go to school and pretend that nothing was wrong (since only my superintendent knew-- and I only told her because I asked to get out of some meetings one day to go have an ultrasound because I had been bleeding). Still to this day, no one else at school knows what I was really dealing with that first week of school. I got very good at putting on my "happy face" and pretending everything was "fine." Slowly things got better and I felt like I had grieved, dealt with the miscarriage, etc. Every once in awhile I would be reminded and would feel sad again, but it was easy enough to just pretend everything was okay.

What I did not expect was to go through another grieving process in the past week. You see, if I had not miscarried, our baby would have been due soon. My dear friend and I found out that we were pregnant at around the same time-- we even talked about having a party to reveal the genders of our babies! But, that was not to be. My pregnancy ended in a miscarriage in late August. And she just delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. And that is hard for me. Harder than I expected it to be. I honestly did not expect to feel this way again-- almost like I am going through the miscarriage again! I thought I would, at the very least, be able to put on my "happy face" and go visit them in the hospital and hold that brand new precious little babe. And the more I thought about it, the more I knew that I couldn't. I was not going to be able to go to the maternity floor of the hospital. I was not going to be able to hold that new little one. I would have been an absolute mess. And actually, I was (but thankfully, within the confines of our home). All day yesterday. Thankfully I got to spend the day with my favorite little guy, so that offered some distraction. But, not enough.

I began to not only feel sad for myself and Adam, but I also began to feel like a horrible friend-- that I could not get past this in order to go and share in their joy and excitement. I wanted to. I wanted more than anything, for this to not bother me so much! But, it did. I am SO happy for our friends who are reveling in the happiness and excitement of their new little family of 4. Really, I am. But I am also mourning what should have been for our little family, which is still 3.

I was able to spend some time with some fabulous friends this weekend-- they shared in my sadness and helped me talk through some things. And of course, distracted me with lots of laughs, good coffee, and food! :) So thankful that God has provided people like that in my life (not to mention my sweet little boy who says, "Wuv you, Mommy" and my dear husband who hugs me when I cry on his shoulder).

Anyway, I am hoping that by getting this out, it will be therapeutic. I am slowly learning that bottling things up is NOT the best way to deal with things (because eventually it's going to come out... and when it does, it ain't going to be pretty). Not sure how many of my 5 readers have known about my miscarriage. But please don't think I am saying "poor, pitiful me" and feeling sorry for myself about this miscarriage. People I know have been through much worse, so I'm not asking for pity or whatever. I know that there are MUCH more horrible things to go through than this. I'm just trying to get my feelings straight and sort things out in my mind and in my heart.

My friend Stephanie has this verse on a plaque:
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..." Psalm 37:7

I am trying to wait patiently. Trying to understand God's purpose in all of this, trying to be okay with the fact that I may never understand. If you know me, then you know that me and "patience" aren't good friends. I'm not good at it. Perhaps that is part of God's purpose here? I can only speculate, as I feel like I have had many lessons of patience in my life-- why one more? Who knows. God knows, and I am trying to take comfort in that.